Christine

please pray

Sat, 23 Oct 2004 02:43:38 GMT

I know not a lot of people read this, but even if one person reads it and prays, it will help....

why does God take babies away to heaven? :'(

RIP Hannah Cordery... we are all praying for you

please everyone pray for her and especially her mother, Shannon, who suffered an aortic anyerism which lead to Hannah's death in the womb on Saturday October 16th. Shannon is currently in a coma at UPenn, and will hopefully wake up soon and return home to her loving family, including two young daughters and a loving husband. Let some of your thoughts also be with her loving family who is suffering from the loss.

Fri, 17 Sep 2004 03:41:38 GMT

This song, just recently obtained the lyrics again, was about, by far, the best summer of my life, written by Sam Heddenburg of Fit to Fail, not really my type of music, but they are high quality, and I love the song...

SUMMER 2K+1
as the sun sets on another day in paradise
i realize the things i see
are not the things that you see every day
the times i've had the things i've done
cannot be matched by anyone
well nevertheless it's time to go
but i know i just cant stay away
verse: do you ever wonder what its like
to be alone inside a crowded room of friends
passing out and dropping down like flies
and then staying out till half past three
eating denny's and watching the passing trees
i never thought i'd say this but now i know
i never want to go home
verse2: working every night until the stroke of 12
and running out the door
only to come and go and live and die
life seemed to never slow
riding home in the pouring rain
knowing life would never be the same
even though i miss my friends and miss my band
i never want to go home
bridge: and its hard to face the truth
the summer's gone
i never thought i'd have to go i'd simply stay
but now i know we all belong here
and i'll find some sort of way
to stick around, even if its just another day.
verse: saying so many goodbyes right now
its tough to hold back all the tears
swallowing hard it's what i've got
an afterthought for all the years
maybe i'm just being dumb
but its my summer of 2k plus one
a thousand thoughts a million laughs
and now i
never want to go home.

Wed, 30 Jun 2004 16:05:45 GMT

I was taught not 2 run away
Cuz raindrops will always fall on your face
When it seems like all hope is gone
Gotta get thru the storm
B4 you can see the dawn
This is all I am
This is all I know
And I won't never ever let go
No I won't let go

love sucks

Fri, 25 Jun 2004 18:32:42 GMT

it sucks to have found someone... someone who you can relate to on every level, someone who understands everything within you. someone who can read your mind and know when something is wrong without even telling them. someone who you find thinks the same thinks at the same time you do. someone who makes you feel happy just knowing them, and someone who makes you feel happier when just being with them, and someone who makes you feel like the luckiest person in the world to have them by your side... it sucks because I am still in love with him... and I dont know how he feels about me. and I dont want to ruin a friendship that we just started again after almost a year to tell him how i feel. i'm afraid he's going to run again. he broke up with me because he got scared because he had strong feelings for me. and honestly, I dont know if the feelings are still there on his part. to me, when we talk, its like we were never apart. i dont know... i just find myself constantly thinking about him, then crying, cause I have so much emotion when it comes to him.

i mean, i thought i wanted us to be friends again... and trust me I really do... but its just so hard to have so many feelings for someone and not be able to do anything about it... it makes me feel sader than i have ever felt before... and yes i have friends, great friends, but i have never felt so alone, cause i dont have him by my side.

i still love him...

Sun, 20 Jun 2004 23:53:35 GMT

I just need to let him go... Its sucks cause he's not a bad person, he just did a bad thing, and he had a lot of issues within himself... But I really have to try to put the past in the past and move on, its the past for a reason, right? 2003 is not the same as 2004...

He hurt me more than anyone ever has, but I loved him more than anyone I ever have... and no matter how much I dont want to admit it, and no matter how stupid of me it is, cause I know I'm only setting myself up for hurt and/or rejection... I still love him, I can't help it, I love him

P.S. I'm talking about Shaun for those of you who didn't pick up on it

ok ok, its been FOREVER, I know

Fri, 16 Jan 2004 02:00:46 GMT

wow, looking back at my last journal entry soo sooo much has changed, I dont think that there is much the same at all. I'll update some... Shaun and I are no longer. We dated for awhile, we spent two weeks together in July when he came to Brigantine. Then about a week later, he had his friend break up with me for him, absolutely breaking my heart.... honestly I still miss him no matter how much of an asshole he was to do that, and I know it will never work out again between us again, but I still think about him.... oh well... I just hope that someday we can be friends again.

Then I dated a guy for about four weeks who ended up ditching me/breaking up with me, on my birthday... what a jackass...

And of course, I still like Chris, which is my current goal... to get over him, and I'm actually doing a really good job at it, I'm very proud of myself :-D And Chris would make a good friend, but not a good boyfriend. I think part of the reason I like him so much, is because I have a tendency to like what I can't have.

I'm about to start the second half of my 4th year at Stockton... ugh... its going to be a rough semester.... four upper level courses, an internship at a senior citizen home (which I have to say, that I think CVS should count as one), and CVS four days a week.... and I want to go out more, meet new people... experience new things.... ya know, be a college student...

And YES, I'm still at CVS.... ugh....

But overall.... my life is going really well.... my best friends keep me laughing hysterically.... I love them.... I'm so glad that we became close, cause I dont know what I would do without them, they are there for me for whatever I need and whenever I need it, I'm so lucky to have them...

and my other close friends, most of which are going to Rowan... I love them too... I know that they would also be there for me whenever I needed them, and thats a great feeling.

What Makes You Sexy? by eva71
Name/NickName
Gender
Sexy Body Part Is	Your Eyes
Special Talents Are	Everything (Multi-talented)

Created with quill18's MemeGen!

:-D

Thu, 08 May 2003 21:54:14 GMT

So a lot has happened since my last post, or it just seems like a lot I guess. Shaun called me back :-D. He called on Monday when I was at work, then I called him back when I got home. I was hoping not to seem desperate for calling him back that night, but I didnt care. Just let me tell you how incredibly wonderful he is.... he says the nicest things in the whole entire world to me. He compliments me nonstop, complimenting my appearance and personality. He says that he would have called me beofre and he hesitated calling me again because he realizes how much he likes me and that the distance between us really frustrates him. So... now I just have to wait and see from here. He said that the next time his friend Jay and his girl come down to AC he is going to hitch a ride down here to see me, but he didnt say when that would be. I just hope that he doesnt ignore be again to stop liking me or to get me to stop liking him and I really really hope that they come down here really soon. But until then, or until anything else happens, I remain giddy happy, because I have talked to him the past three nights on the phone, but now it is getting expensive to do so. Ijust like him so much and I really really hope it all works out.

Sun, 04 May 2003 03:08:03 GMT

Hmmm... so whats been going on in my life lately... a whole lot of BS!!!! I dont even know where to start. Let me start with School, I'm so stressed out about my classes (finals, presentations, papers, etc.). I am really hoping to get an A in "our genes ourselves" and in "experience of lit", I'm almost positive of them but the "our genes" final is going to be a KILLER!!!! 18 chapters b/c our prof decided to only have two exams instead of three, so we have two exams worth of material on the same exam... sounds like fun right??? I think she thinks that we have nothing better to do. She also desperatly needs a makeover. I may just call TLC and get her on a makeover story...hmmm....

Onto work.... I really hate it there... I really really do... I DREAD going there and I am miserable when I am there and dont feel like doing a damned thing. And we got out new lab in and I was supposed to learn how to do everything with it in under two hours... yeah.... right... when we got only 6 rolls in and there was no way that Christina could have just explained how to shut it down without walking me through it... I dont know what my manager was thinking.... oh yeah... he doesnt think... he only cares about things for the days that HE is working... I forgot.... how silly of me....

Then... the men... UGH UGH UGH!!!!! so a guy I met awhile ago who is friends with one of my friends told his friend that he could give me his cell number. We were both attracted to one another when we met and then again when we say each other about six months after that, and now its been over a year, (and u all know the way I am) I still think about him and like him. (oh and by they way, things would have happened between us if a certain "friend" at the time told me the truth). So for awhile I have been asking about him to his friend, and he told him that he could give me his number. So I called, his phone was off, but I left a message, last monday, its now Sat night. So why did he have his friend give me his number if he wasnt going to call me back? UGH

ok next guy... Matt G called two nights ago for some uncertain reason, but I believe that it was just to upset me. He realy is an asshole... he takes pride in it too... why does he have to be like that?

Then Chris H. Yes, its obvious I know, I still like him, a lot. I need to get over him, I really really do. He was supposed to hang out with me tonight but apparently he has better things to do then to hangout with me or to return my call. I'm just really stressed out and he gives me the best massages.

I need to find a guy that is going to treat me right. Someone who appreciates me. I just need to destress my life. I cant take it all anymore, I cant... I just cant do it. :-(

its been awhile...

Sun, 13 Apr 2003 03:00:16 GMT

Its been awhile since I've written last. Hmm... so what has happened... TOO MUCH! :-P. I'll summarize... started seeing Matt G again, or he made me think we were seeing each other but he only wanted to use me, such a great guy isnt he? I believe the guy from my class has a girlfriend, but I'm not sure, but hes a dork anyway... black oldman velcro shoes... um... yeah... Hes a really nice guy though and hes cool to talk to during break and during class he keeps me awake and makes me laugh. I realized that I am still attracted to Chris H, but even if he didnt have a girl, and he was completely 100% single, I still wouldnt do anything with him because I dont think that I can trust him. Hes good as a friend, he would do anything for me, but I wouldnt trust him as a boyfriend. Then onto Matt P, I dont know whats up with that, I dont know if I like him, I dont know if I dont... ugh... hes a really nice guy... I dontknow, I'm not going to tihnk about it, if I end up liking him I do, and if not I dont, no biggie. Then theres this guy I'm talking to online, I met him through a friend. Things are getting flirty between us and we plan to meet up sometime, but I have no idea what if anything there is between us. If its merely acquaintances, friends, or more than friends, guess we wont know until we meet up, if we ever do. He seems like a nice guy and we just unexpectantly clicked really well, hes not my type at all, but who knows. UGH... well thats enough of my guy situations... even though there are more to share, but if I started to list all my problems here, it would be a novel.

Then theres school/work. YUCK YUCK YUCK!!! I'm so sick of both. Its not just because I dont want to do anything but hangout with friends and party and crap like that, its just all so stressfull anymore.

For good news, I'm down to baout 120lbs, (even though im pretty sure I gained some back these past couple of days... oh well, I'm over it). I am so proud of myself. I have some confidence in myself finally, its nice.

Well thats all I feel like writing about right now. Ill try to update more often, not that anyone really reads this anyway :-P

Mon, 03 Mar 2003 05:49:56 GMT

So today was a VERY long day! Trying to fix all the cosmetics and clean the store.... not fun.... Oh well.... i cant wait until we are totally cleaned up from the darn remodel... the store is still a disaster area. But work is over now and I'm relaxing.... so I'm better, even though I should be working on my paper.... haha. I procrastinate WAY too much when it comes to school. My paper will be done in time, thats all that matters.

I saw Matt G online, he didnt talk to me though, but at least I know that he is alive. So I'm happy about that.

Hmmm... whatelse is going on... a whole lotta nothin!!! Yes yes, my life is boring... I'm used to it. I think I may be going to Sigma Pi on Thurs night with Niki, I'm excited about that. I miss hanging with her! Hopefuly I'll get to see everyone else at Rowan too. I miss Niki, Meag, Jess, and everyone. They are all "da coolest" if you ask me.

I'm just all about meeting new people and getting to know aquaintances better right now. I don't go away to school and living with my parents doesn't give much opportunity for it. I just want to live life and have fun!

its been awhile

Sat, 01 Mar 2003 00:42:32 GMT

Wow, its been awhile since I've updated... a lot has happened... too much has happened actually...

The whole Matt O situation is pretty much summed up like this: he realized he did have more feelings for his ex than he did me (after leading me on,but its ok) and started seeing her. Then it didnt work out. So obvioiusly I still like him, and I think he still likes me, but (he says its just because he is busy) but he hardly ever talks to me and is being really shady. I am getting a weird vibe. I used to trust him 100%, but now I'm not so sure if I do anymore. I think him and I need to get together and just talk all this through, see what is best and what each other really wants. And to see if there is actually any chemistry there or not.

Then... on to Matt G... ... I dont know what to do. Hes depressed... really depressed... and I'm worried about him. We talk like twice a week, and not for very long. I really hope hes ok... I really care about him... I care about him too much... I need to get over him... I really really do... I just cant get him out of my head... ugh

So recently I have lost about 10 pounds. Now because I have been so stressed this past week, I have eaten so much. Its unusual for me to be like that, because when I'm stressed or depressed I usually cant eat. So I'm gaining it back, and I'm upset about it. So I'm putting myself on a diet again.

Hmmm... whatelse... school sucks... snow sucks... work sucks... Thank God the remodel is almost done at work... it sucks so much... the store is a mess, total mess, and the construction workers are a pain in the ass!!! grrr...

Oh... more guy news... there is this hottie who comes in CVS and Di knows his mom. Its actually cute cause he asked him mom if she (Di) was single, but Di is married and 5 months pregnant. So Di is going to try to set me up with him, he is a total sweetheart and Di says he comes from a nice family as well.

Well... I think I may actually just need to become a nun... it is probably for the best... I mean guys are pissing me off and I'm not attracted to girls... so it looks like the convent and a vow of poverty is the way for me.

Wed, 29 Jan 2003 02:08:17 GMT

Ok.... so here I am again, sad again.... over a guy AGAIN. I dont know why I let them get to me like this. I dont know why I fall so hard so fast.
This time it is the Matt from the party, now known as Matt O. I fell for him. Who wouldnt, hes a total sweetheart... The only problem I foresaw was that we lived far away from each other.
Then the Sunday night happened. He told me that he liked another girl too. He liked her last semester, and she liked him too, then she went away... he didnt think he would ever see her again, but she came back. Right now he doesnt know what he is going to do. So much of me justs wants to say, "choose" me, I'll be good for you, I'll make you happy, but I told him to go with his heart and that he had to make the decision for himself and to not decide on either one of us just because he doesnt want to hurt one of us. This is tearing me apart.... I dont know what to do.... do I wait around for him to make up his mind.... do I not wait around.... I'm also afraid that if he picks me, he will always regret that he didnt pick her. The whole situation just sucks in general, cause no matter what, at least one person is going to get hurt. Whats making it so much worse is that I havent been able to talk to him since we talked on Sunday night. I want to know what he is thinking... at least an idea of what he is thinking.
And to make everything even worse.... a couple days before we talked, we made a double date for Vday. It would have been my first Vday date, and it would have been with a really great guy. Also, the other part of the date, was Niki and Matt's friend Izzy. We were going to set them up. It was just going to be so perfect.... so adorable.... so cute.... now, due to the circumstances, I dont know if it is going to happen. And I am soooo bummed, and I know Niki is bummed too. UGH!!!! MEN!!!!!
Why do I let them do this to me.... WHY???? Chris was right, I should just leave them alone for awhile, for a long while..... but it wont work.... I'll say that I'll leave them alone, then two minutes later, a new guy comes along and I cant help myself. I hate being boycrazy..... it is driving me insane....well I was insane A LONG time ago, but it is making me even more insane (scary huh???)

Tue, 21 Jan 2003 05:08:29 GMT

Ok, so my life just keeps getting more and more complicated...

So, most of you know about what happened with me and the ER. But I got my blood test results back, and they are normal, so that means that something is probably wrong with my heart, fun huh? I dunno what it could be, I go to a cardiologist on the 31st and see if she can figure it out. But I can drink again now, cause they ruled diabetes out, but still no caffiene. But hey I lost 5-7 pounds in a little under two weeks just from cutting cappucinos and hot chocolates out of my diet, not bad huh? But all kidding aside, I'm kinda stressed about what is wrong. I just have to have faith.

Now onto the men in my life, the saying too many men too little time definatly aplies for me right now, in a way. Theres Chris, Matt (from the party), Brian, and the Matt G. Chris and I ended what we had going for about two weeks, cause we dont see each other as anything more than friends, and we both felt wrong.

Then Matt from the party.... we barely talk anymore, it weird. In a way, he was way too in to me, like he almost feel in love with me, and I got scared at first, not I miss him. I dont know if its the compliments and how nicehe is that I miss, or if it is him.... hmmmm.....

Then Brian. Yet again...another ex. He called me yesterday and he said how much he misses me and is upset that we dont talk anymore, and then for the big shocker, and I am in love with you. I havent seen him in over a year!!! He said he saw me in the mall, and said that he didnt know why we ever broke up, and that he wants to be with me again. So, I dunno about that, he was a sweetheart, I think its just bad timing right now, but I told him I need to think it over...

Then, theres Matt G. I cant get him out of my head! We dont talk because he says that he doesnt want to talk to anyone right now. Guys get that way a lot. But I miss him...

This is just too much stress for one little person. And I start school tomorrow at 830am, and I'm so used to staying up late, I cant fall asleep. It sucks. I cant even blame it on caffiene.... well I'm going to try to do something to put me to sleep.

Mon, 06 Jan 2003 05:29:59 GMT

so much has happened, yet again....all I have to say is New Years Eve....
It was soooo crazy!!! I went to the AXP party with Jess, Kelly, and Jen. I wasnt going to go at first because I thought that Albe didnt want me there, but I came to find out later that night that I'm pretty sure he was glad that I was there. Anyway, I was sooooo drunk!!! So very very drunk!!!! I met a lot of people, it just a shame that I dont remember any of them....
Well the first "crazy" part of the night started when I had to go to the bathroom and Jess wanted to borrow a shirt from Albe because she was hot. So one thing led to another and we were all chilling in his room. Niki, Michelle, and Joe stopped by for a little bit, I wish they were there longer though. Well...Jess ended up leaving around 11:40 ish. So Albe and I are just chilling in his room. yadda yadda yadda, leave that part up to your own imagination. We just made the ball dropping which was cool. Then after that, be pretty much ignored me, boys right?
So I quickly got over it and started dancing with Jess and Kelly. Its funny how I could dance but I could barely stand, I dunno, maybe all those years of classes paid off. Then this random kid (found out later his name was Matt) started dancing with us, so I pushed myself towards him, cause I like dancing with guys more than alone. we were just dancing for awhile, then I started to loose my balance so I stood up against him. One thing lead to another and we ended up hooking up. We chilled together for a little bit, i just thought he was going to be some random guy. Then the most awkward thing happened, I was standing next to Albe, with my hand on him, when Matt came up behind me and started to rub my back. Well this one guy realized what had happened and got me out out of the situation, I dont remember who you were but thank you for making Matt leave for a little bit.
All that isnt like me, I just felt really bad because of Albe, I mean, I know I didnt mean anything to him at all, but it still really wasnt right of me. I feel horrible....:-(
Ok so blah blah blah, we leaave the party
When I get to Niki's, my cell is ringing, I dint look to see who it was before answering, it was Matt Giannetto. Now that one really shocked me. A lot of talking went on, basically he said that he didnt talk to me at all because he knew I liked him too much and he "didnt want to hurt me". Well I ended up going to see him the next day. Overall, I'm just glad that he and I are friends again. And I do still like him, I cant help it..... the whole situation just really sucks, but theres nothing I can do about it. I mean, I dont know if he even sees me that way at all. He thinks I'm attractive, but that doesnt mean at all that he has any feelings for me.
BUt now I'm talking to the other Matt online, the Matt from the party. He really seems like a really nice guy. He compliments me, we get along great, I just dont remember what he looks like at all.... I feel badly.....
Well there is just too much on my mind to continue without writing SOOO much more, so I'm going to stop now.

its been awhile

Mon, 30 Dec 2002 17:43:16 GMT

Wow, its been so long since I've updated. So much has happened, and I dont know where to begin.... Well.... Bill and I are OK now, I guess. We say hi to each other on IM, thats about it, but at least its that rather than nothing.

Lately everyone seems to be wanting to set me up with people. I dunno what thats all about. There was Mike, Pat, and now Brian. Scott tries to set me up with Brian, even though Brian is obssessed with another girl, HELLO??? if anything did happen I would probably just be a "rebound", but hes too obsessed with this other girl, what were you thinking Scott??? OH thats right, YOU DONT THINK!!

Its kinda sad, but I just want some ass right now...yeah...that would be nice. Granted it has only been three weeks, but I have been very stressed lately.

One of the reasons I have been very stressed is because my cysts have come back. I had them removed, but now I am having cramps from them still, ugh. And they found precancerous cells, which I have to get looked at to make sure they didnt spread, even though they are PREcancerous, if they spread and go unnoticed, it can turn into cancer, yadda yadda yadda.....ugh.....

I hung out with Niki last night, we had lots of fun doing basically nothing, we went to dennys and then back to my place to play pool. It was fun, I will definatly have to go up to Rowan to visit her, party together, go to Crow together....good times are ahead....

But my life is looking a lot better right now. I am actually not depressed anymore, I got out of the rut I was in, thank God, and I am in a much better mood all the time now. Other than the occasional friend standing me up for the millionth time, life has been good. :-)

the Bill saga continues.....

Sat, 14 Dec 2002 03:29:34 GMT

I am very annoyed with Bill right now. He flipped out at me over an email because he says that I always make him upset, hurt and depressed cause I talk about guys in front of him. Bill is still in love with me, and I told him that I only see him as a friend. But he apparently doesnt understand that. He says that I dont care about him like the guys I talk about. Well the only guys I talk about are Matt, who I mention maybe once everyother time wehang out and only because he has to do with the story I am telling, and then this guy Pat, who a girl at work may set me up with. I asked him before if he had a problem with me mentioning guys, he said no, not at all. And I care about Bill a lot more than Matt or Pat, hello?, I am not even friends with Matt anymore and I only met Pat once. He also tried saying that I lied to him about having sex with Matt, in which I didnt. Im sorry if it took me a week to tell him, and I wouldnt have come out and told him if he didnt ask me. Next time I will call him in the middle of it.....UGH!!! BUT....BUT the thing is he lied to me a couple of times. He lied to me about liking another girl and he lied to be about having a problem with me talking about Matt and other guys......Well enough of him.....

Wed, 11 Dec 2002 20:45:03 GMT

So...I met a boy....well...didnt meet him, I saw him, and think hes cute. He was talking to a girl Tara who works in the pharmacy. I walked out of the pharmacy right next to her and this guy, and she cracked a joke about how I missed the step out of the pharmacy before. So he asked her what happened, she told him, but she said that I did it gracefully and that I'm cute. Later after he left I asked her if she told overyone how I fell out of the pharmacy or only cute guys. She was like, "ohhh you think Pat's cute huh?" She said that he was checking me out too. So she is going to try to set us up, even just to hang out or meet up to get to know each other.

Oh other good news, my professor extended the deadline for my research paper until next Tues because of the snow cancellation. I also found out that so far I have a "solid B+" and thats only the quizzes, not including the A I got on a written assignment and then this paper. So even if I only get a C on this paper, I will still have a B. Actually I can probably get a D and still have a B. I'm so excited, I thought that I was going to get a C in the class....yay!! I'm getting a B!!!!

Mon, 09 Dec 2002 22:25:42 GMT

My brother is such a fucking asshole. So I'm on the computer all day trying to to this horrific research paper, and he comes up and starts bugging me. He can see that I am trying to concentrate, well he breaks my concentration so I start chatting with some people. So he sees that I am chatting and then calls me a liar for saying that I wasnt doing work. So the turn the fucking computer off!! I lost two pages of unsaved work!!!!! Granted two pages may not seel like a lot but in this paper it was. It wasnt any quotes, just all of my direct thinking, i have no notes on it. So once I found it out, I basically ran after him jumping on him. Now you have to realize that my brother is about three times as big as me, and I'm not exaggerating that, so theres no way little ol me can really do some damage. So my dad sees it and throws me off of him yelling at me. I was not hurting my brother at all,it was more yelling at him then anything, but I proceed to get reemed out by him. I am sitting there crying because I lost all that hard work and no one seems to give a flying fuck. My brother is basically laughing. So this really just added to my stress. I rewrote half of it, but this paper is so difficult. I am just shaking and crying right now......I cant take it.

a whole lotta that....

Mon, 09 Dec 2002 06:42:46 GMT

There are soo many things on my mind right now....ugh....

First, I have this huge research paper due, and I just cant bring myself around to doing it. I started on it, but I just cant finish it, I have no desire what-so-ever to work on it. Its almost as though I dont care if I fail or not. But I will be working on it all Monday and Wednesday, cause I only have night classes those days, so I will have plenty of time to work on it, I'm just really not looking forward to it, and I know it wont be the best I can do, cause I just dont give a shit about it anymore.

Secondly, my trust issues are only getting worse. I found out that some people I told things to, have spread them around, after telling them not to. Also I have discovered that someone has been lying to me, after I have asked him to just tell me the truth no matter how much its going to hurt me, and he stilled lied. But I think that the trust issues have to deal with my insecurites and feelings of depression, cause I'm very hormonal right now.

Thirdly, my insecurites. I just want to be skinny, have big boobs, and a beautiful face. I guess, no matter how stupid I know it is and how stupid I am being about this, I feel if I were to look like that, then the guys I like or the guys I find attractive, would like me back. Actually, I just want guys to like me, and tell me and show me that they like me. Especially with someone particular, I think hes hot, and I want him to think the same about me, I dont want a relationship with him, or anyone for that matter, I just want to have fun with him. I want to go out and innocently flirt with random guys, I am just too shy and insecure to do so. I need a few beers to do that, and then after a few beers, Im afraid that the guys will take advantage of me. I wish my opinion of myself and men were higher. I have a very low sefl esteem and I think that most men are assholes who just want to use girls for one night stands, sex, or just to get off. There are decent guys out there, its just that the decent ones dont like me, are taken, or I cant tell that they are decent until its too late. Then there are the times when I think I have found a decent guy, and he turn out to be such an asshole.
Fourthly (is that a word?), anyway, I'm just really confused about everything. About what I want to do "when I grow up", who to be friends with, who to trust, whos advice I should take, about a certain guy, why I act the way I act sometimes, and why I just cant find a way to be truely happy (not a fake happy) all the time.

Sun, 08 Dec 2002 07:00:23 GMT

Hey, I'm kinda really drunk right now. I havent been drunk since the weekend after my 21st which was almost 2 months ago. I didnt plan on getting drunk, I just wanted a good buzz. I'm just such a lightweight, I forgot how easy it is to get me drunk. And no, I wasnt by myself when I drank, Bill came over. I'm not that pathetic right now. I thought that he was going to try something, I wanst drunk enough to let him though, so thats good. I have just been randomly IMing and emailing people, but only the people I never talk to, yes I know Im nuts, but its fun being weird, I like it. I just wish that I had someone, (particulary a hot guy), to be drunk with, I think that that would be fun! ;-). Well I think Im going to pass out now......later

stay away snow!!!

Thu, 05 Dec 2002 03:14:05 GMT

Normally I would love to have snow, but I am out all day tomorrow and I dont want to have to drive in it. Maybe school will be cancelled, ha! yeah right. I wish I went to ACCC, they already cancelled classes for tomorrow, those whimps. Then I have to go to work, which is about a 20 min drive from school, which ought to be fun. I know CVS wont close early, which sucks. It would be nice to have a night off. And finally, the last reason I dont want it to snow is because I was going to go up to Rowan after work. I was going to go out with Niki to a frat and drink. So......stay away snow, stay away!!!!!!

so long.....

Tue, 03 Dec 2002 05:24:09 GMT

Its been so long since I've written in here.
UPDATE:
I realized that I actually dont like Chris, and that he was just a guy giving me attention. I am attracted to him, but I just dont like him romantically anymore.

I had so much fun at the bar with Francesca and Debi!!! The bartender was hot, a little short, but hey, I cant talk about the short factor, but he was pretty damn cute. Also Francesca's friend Mike is cute. He's in med school..... hmmm.... a doctor, I like smart men. But he would probably be way too busy in med school, and I dont think he was attracted to me, he probably thinks I am too young, oh well, I just thought he was cute, I didnt talk to him much to get to see his personality. I can't wait until the three of us go out again! Francesca and I are on the prowl for men!!!! Watch out!

I'm excited, I am going to Rowan on Thursday night to go to Sigma Pi with Niki. Our friend Matt from high school is a brother there. I havent seen him in soooooo long!!!!

Well thats all for now, I'm way too tired for my own good, and its only 12:30, but I have an 8:30 tomorrow, YUCK!!! Oh well.....I might get over it.... eventually..... someday.... maybe

I can't take it anymore

Sun, 17 Nov 2002 16:41:52 GMT

I'm just so stressed out!! School is getting to be sooo much work between two long research papers due, the the usual exams and assignments. Then theres work, which I like the weekends right now because I like the OC store, but during the week, I HATE IT IN GALLOWAY. At least I know they like me in Galloway, I dont think that many people in the OC store really like me. And I'm so underpaid its ridiculus. Then onto the subjuct of men in my life. I cant take it anymore, I can't take the fact that Bill still has feelings for me. I know its over between him and I, and I just cant tell him, so Im trying to ease him into it. But he is still very flirty with me, and it makes me uncomfortable. Cause with my guy friends i'm like that, and I have to watch everything I do, to make sure that he is not getting the wrong idea. I dont like having to watch everything I do like that, I like to just do things, ugh. Then theres Chris. I'm beginning to realize that I'm pretty sure that I like him. But I dont know if it is only because he is a guy giving me some attention, or if it is him. These past two weeks he just has really been there for me, and I want to spend time with him, but he is just so incredibly busy, so its hard. Finally the thing that is probably stressing me out the most are my insecurities. I wish that I could just snap out of it, I wish that I didnt feel about myself the way I do, I just want to be happy, thats all. What did I ever do so wrong to not be happy?

Thu, 14 Nov 2002 03:16:14 GMT

Why can't I ever really be happy, like truely happy? I mean, I have my moments where I feel happy and content, they there are times, most of the time, where I am just so unhappy. I dont understand it I guess. I dont understand why I am so miserable, why the only time I am close to being happy is when I am in a relationship with someone. And its not just that I am sad, I dont like me. I dont like my looks (thats the biggest problem), I dont think that I am going to get anywhere in the world, I feel like I have no friends, and that everyone talks negatively behind my back. I just want to be happy, is that too much to ask?

long time no write

Mon, 11 Nov 2002 15:25:36 GMT

Its been so long since I've written last, but thats probably cause nothing much has happened. Basically I have gone shopping (got some of my Christmas shopping done), gone to work, and school. Exciting huh?

Work really has been sucking lately. Saturday and Sunday night it was just me and one other person. Sunday night its ok to do that, but Saturday we really need three people total to be able to get everything done. Then Saturday night I had a woman screaming in my face because the register wouldnt let me return her Halloween decoration that she said was missing a pole, but I have a feeling that she just took the pole out of it. Anyway, be being the manager on, it was automatically my fault and I according to her I should have been able to override it. I tried, but it wouldnt let me. Well after spending 5 min on just that, I figured out a way to get her her cash, but she was still screaming in my face, ugh I hate mean people. Earlier in the night I had an older gentleman, who is very nice, faint in our store. He was saying that he was fine, but his wife was freaking out and there happened to be an EMT in the store who was also freaking out. So an ambulance was called, they brought the stretcher in, all while he was sitting up smiling and laughing. A kid Mike I work with said that I should have had a shirt that said, "I can handle it all", and on the the back, "fuck you". SO that was my fun night at work. Sunday wasnt too bad other than the fact that I just had a lot to do, and we were busy, so I had to to ring, which I hate doing, but oh well.

Hmmm....what else, what else.......I cant really think of anything....MY LIFE IS BORING!!!!! :D